Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
