god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize