Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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