Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
