he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
