hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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