Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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