ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Terrible idea I love it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
