I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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