I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
