you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
