All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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