i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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