you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize