my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize