for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
