When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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