the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She's not a foreskin expert like you
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
