Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
