allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
