Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
