I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
