On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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