mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
