i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize