Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
