I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
