Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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