Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
