: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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