I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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