Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
