And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
