I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize