I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
