This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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