Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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