ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
