why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
