I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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