I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize