I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
