I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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