On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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