i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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