I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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