he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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