My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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