How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
