I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
