I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
