The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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