It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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