I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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