I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
