My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
