My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
