I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
