It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
