Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
