the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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