i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You were trust falling into bushes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
