There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
