just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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