Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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